Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Do you ever feel like you've totally ruined your life? Like if you had just made a different choice where a decision was concerned that your life would be better? I have been thinking about this lately. I have been trying to figure out where i fit in this thing called life. Some people breeze through life with no apparent struggles or hard decisions to make and i am jealous of that. But do they really have no struggles? I doubt it. I guess people cope with their problems differently. A lot differently then i do. I tend to want to tell people, to somehow make them see how hard things are for me. Crying for help or sympathy? Maybe. But sometimes i don't want people to see how hard i struggle with life in general. I never want my family to know if i'm upset or depressed or wanting to walk out on my life and never come back. But i have no problem telling complete strangers or MOFs. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they don't have to see me everyday and i don't have to pretend to have it all together. I can be myself. With those who see me everyday and are related to me i want to appear normal and content so they won't think i'm a freak who struggles to keep the house clean and look after one child.

I'm a very jealous person. I never used to be. Not at all. And i really want to stop being who i've become. But how? How do i change the fact that every time i see that someone has something better then me i get envious. Not just saying 'oh how lucky, i wish i had that' But i get very depressed and almost obsessed about how my life is wrong, how it should be different. If i had done such and such i could have what they have. If i didn't have kids we would be better off. I'm not always talking about material things here. Its everything. Skills, looks and possessions. I'm seriously a screwed up person. But like i said - i never used to be this way at all. It's only since i got married. 3 years of wishing things were different. 3 years of hating my life. 3 years of regretting. 3 years of struggling to keep my mind on things that are important. And i've failed.

Yesterday i thought about leaving the private board i belong to because seeing peoples lives makes me sad and depressed. Lives that include new cars and new houses and more put together women(spiritually, emotionally and financially) then i could ever be. I had anxiety about it. I haven't had anxiety since November last year. I know alot of them read my blog and i want to apologise now. I'm sorry i'm so pathetic. You are great women and deserve everything you have.

I guess my biggest problem is learning how to fix it. How to fix myself. I'm not even sure of where to start. How do i start to love my life and get rid of my regrets and envy. I was thinking last night that if i lived in the middle of nowhere i would be fine. No contact with the outside world. Nothing to envy, no way of seeing what others have. Only relying on ourselves. Building up my skill of survival - i could finally be good at something.
But thats not really practical or realistic. I have to live in this world like everyone else.

So how can i be content with what i have? How can i make myself like being a sahm? How can i make myself enjoy my family? How can i save my sanity?
Lots of rhetorical questions. I have no answers.

14 comments:

Rachelle said...

Don't ever leave our board! I would cry. I don't have much advice, just empathy and hugs. I think you are a wonderful person. And I covet a lot too. It's hard sometimes to be content with what you have. I think you are doing the right thing by counting blessings (like you did yesterday). I keep telling myself it will get easier and although I may not have all the nice stuff here on earth, there are blessings in heaven. Hugs!!!!!

Lei said...

Oh, Andrea... I am so sorry. We all feel inferior at one point or another. At least, I do. My hope for you is that you believe what so many MOFS think of you - that you are sweet and beautiful and strong.

Lee said...

Andrea ((hugs)) you are so wonderful. One thing I have realized is we all go through different trials in our life. We are blessed differently and tried differently. So often we see all the good others have and only the bad we have.

ubercyl said...

I think what you did in the previous post is exactly right--write down what you do have, and practice that "attitude of gratitude." You are a lovely person of great worth, and there is no one else who is you!

Misty said...

Do you have time to do things for yourself? Perhaps that could help? Good for you for recognizing your shortcomings. But you need to recognize your awesomeness too! I think you're incredible!

ShelahBooksIt said...

Andrea-- I just want to give you a big hug. I wish that you could see how awesome you are. I totally agree with what Lei says about how beautiful and strong you are. And everyone feels jealous and envious-- don't sweat it-- it's part of being human.

Stephanie said...

Oh Andrea, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have SOOOO been there!!!! It is the worst feeling in the world. I want you to know that none of us have it all together, we are all just trying to appear that way. Especially me! I have a terrible tendency to wallow in self-pity and make myself miserable. You sound lonely. Lonely is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you ache inside and out. It eats you up. I know that it is the adversary trying his best to destroy a beautiful and wonderful woman. He works on all of us. Do you have IM capabilities? We should chat sometime. I am so worried about you!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm not really anonymous, I'm Kristin from the board you referred to. I am broken hearted that you feel so sad!! I love having you around and am amazed at what a woman you are. Hugs and chin up!!!

And I'll have you know, this is the first blog comment I've ever made, so you must be important!!!

Sunny said...

(((HUGS))) ANDREA - and don't you dare leave us. Reading your blog was like looking into a mirror for me today. I think I sometimes get so frustrated and down from what I lack, that I am blinded from the things I do have.

Also, everyone has their own trials, and the people who look like they have it all ... you'd be suprised at what happens or what they deal with behind the "perfect" look.

I love ya Andrea!

emlouisa said...

I agree with everyone else. We ALL have our moments. And believe me, NO one is perfect,lol.

I hope you never leave the board. I would miss you too much! You are one of my favs! (shhh..don't tell) :)

Andrea said...

Your all such sweet women. Thank you for the 'pick me up':)

SuAnn said...

Andrea...Don't you leave! I love hearing what you have to say. I thing you are great! I hope to someday actually meet you. lol! ((((hugs)))).

Jane said...

I wanted to send you hugs too!!
You are a wonderful person, and I would miss you if you weren't around.

Keep counting your blessings--it's hard sometimes to see how blessed we are, but keep making your lists when you are feeling down.

((Hugs))

Pamela said...

I'm sooo sorry. Our vehicle we replaced is broken down in our driveway, a guy came to get it from us and it wouldn't even start. The van isn't even worth $500. I for the 1st time ever got a new vehicle and it still feels weird. Believe me a year ago I was where you are, I couldn't imagine ever being able to get another vehicle or even a pair of jeans for that matter. But life changes and blessings come and things will get better!!!