Do you ever feel like you've totally ruined your life? Like if you had just made a different choice where a decision was concerned that your life would be better? I have been thinking about this lately. I have been trying to figure out where i fit in this thing called life. Some people breeze through life with no apparent struggles or hard decisions to make and i am jealous of that. But do they really have no struggles? I doubt it. I guess people cope with their problems differently. A lot differently then i do. I tend to want to tell people, to somehow make them see how hard things are for me. Crying for help or sympathy? Maybe. But sometimes i don't want people to see how hard i struggle with life in general. I never want my family to know if i'm upset or depressed or wanting to walk out on my life and never come back. But i have no problem telling complete strangers or MOFs. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they don't have to see me everyday and i don't have to pretend to have it all together. I can be myself. With those who see me everyday and are related to me i want to appear normal and content so they won't think i'm a freak who struggles to keep the house clean and look after one child.
I'm a very jealous person. I never used to be. Not at all. And i really want to stop being who i've become. But how? How do i change the fact that every time i see that someone has something better then me i get envious. Not just saying 'oh how lucky, i wish i had that' But i get very depressed and almost obsessed about how my life is wrong, how it should be different. If i had done such and such i could have what they have. If i didn't have kids we would be better off. I'm not always talking about material things here. Its everything. Skills, looks and possessions. I'm seriously a screwed up person. But like i said - i never used to be this way at all. It's only since i got married. 3 years of wishing things were different. 3 years of hating my life. 3 years of regretting. 3 years of struggling to keep my mind on things that are important. And i've failed.
Yesterday i thought about leaving the private board i belong to because seeing peoples lives makes me sad and depressed. Lives that include new cars and new houses and more put together women(spiritually, emotionally and financially) then i could ever be. I had anxiety about it. I haven't had anxiety since November last year. I know alot of them read my blog and i want to apologise now. I'm sorry i'm so pathetic. You are great women and deserve everything you have.
I guess my biggest problem is learning how to fix it. How to fix myself. I'm not even sure of where to start. How do i start to love my life and get rid of my regrets and envy. I was thinking last night that if i lived in the middle of nowhere i would be fine. No contact with the outside world. Nothing to envy, no way of seeing what others have. Only relying on ourselves. Building up my skill of survival - i could finally be good at something.
But thats not really practical or realistic. I have to live in this world like everyone else.
So how can i be content with what i have? How can i make myself like being a sahm? How can i make myself enjoy my family? How can i save my sanity?
Lots of rhetorical questions. I have no answers.